Towards the end of 2009 Mark assessed where we were financially. Donations do not cover the daily operations here and Mark's work generally bridges the gap. That is wonderful, we know it is the Lord that gives his work and we believe it is a very important element for the boys to grow up with. At that time the steady work he had been blessed with came to a close. I knew he was concerned to say the least. I was concerned. We both laid our anxieties before the Lord and also looked for ways to cut, new revenue streams, etc. We planned to let go a farm worker and a house worker. Mark is not one to sit still when it comes to finances.
As Christmas came Mark talked off and on about taking a contract in the states if he could find one. He felt it needed to be at least 3 months. I panicked How could we be gone that long, the house wouldn't be finished, could I stay part time with the kids, what would our transportation be if we did go, how could we afford to stay in the states, and on and on and on. I called a friend in the states and bore my heart, fears, and frustrations, asked her to pray and give any word she heard from the Lord. When Mark talked, I clammed up and just prayed silently for God to make a way.
Time came and went and the new year started. It was getting serious, yet Mark had not found a contract. That was a relief but also caused fear, questions, and doubts.....should we have not stepped out and built the house, are we where the Lord wants us, do we have sin, and so on and so on and so on. LONG story short, in the first week of January Mark was contacted by someone he had contacted back in April regarding contract work. The man was so enthusiastic he wanted to FLY Mark to the states to view the scope of the work and talk about future plans, etc. He would only be gone four days. It was consistent work, long term work work he could do here, no prolonged contract in the states. Is the Lord good or what?
During the process of this story I was sweating bullets. There was nothing in me that wanted to leave Honduras, even for a month. I felt like a planted firmly planted that was not giving up its roots. I wanted to be obedient, a good wife, and all of those "right" things, but I was so resolved in my heart. I wrote a prayer out to God that someone might be able to relate to. Yes, prayer is a private thing, it is personal, but I feel led to share this.
Father, I ask you to take my pain. I ask you to put things in perspective. Father, I do not want to go against my husband. Lord help me, what is your plan? I know your plan is not always our plan. God let my eyes be open to hear how you want to provide. I pray we not lean on our own understanding - it is not good enough - it has failed us many times before. Let my eyes be open to receive wisdom and to follow Mark. Walk this path before me Lord, lead the way, let me follow you and not run by myself. Quieten my heart, heal my pain, repair the damage. God I am desperate for you and your ways. Let me obey your laws that I may delight in you. Lord I feel the depths of sorrow and the fullness of your joy. You are good to me. I will trust you. Be my guard. If you have a contract for Mark in the states I pray for confirmation, agreement, and peace. For you to give your grace regarding what I must leave behind..... the boys, bible study, ladies groups, teachings, Hannah's ballet, friendships, our home. You have a way. Let me see it. Amen
Another day I prayed....
Lord, I just come and pour out my heart, my fear regarding finances. What have we done wrong, how can we change, what do we do, what do we not do? Is it my fault, do I overspend, what do I cut, where is the line, are we helping anyone, are we building on ourselves, what is you, do we have too much, do we have sin, how do we help, do we give gifts, is this wrong? I am an heir, how do I act like one? I don't want to not believe, I want to believe, do I hear you, I want to. Why am I so materialistic, is it wrong to want pretty things, it is wrong to want to give to my children, the boys? Bless your name, you are good forever, your mercy endures forever. Where is my sin? Hide me in the cleft of the rock. Surround me with your love, you are a refuge, a present help in my trouble, a river of gladness, my hope when the morning comes. You are my refuge, though the world falls around me, I will not fear Lord, for I have your love. I want to take in all that you are. Restore to me the joy of my salvation, renew a right spirit in me.
I was made for your kingdom, not the world's.
I was made to do mighty exploits with you in your kingdom, not in Hollywood.
I was created to unveil your beauty - not man's.
I was created as your crowning achievement, created to commune with you, created to be wooed, loved, treasured, and protected by you. Never created to be completely satisfied outside of your presence.
I was made, shaped, formed, created by you.
Your words, your very presence, are my strength, my energy, my life.
When another is foremost in my mind I will never be at peace.
As my creator you hold my heart.
So Lord, I give you every care, I trust you, I trust you in me.
Those days seemed long, but in all honesty it was such a short speck on the radar. Our God flooded in with his way for us. I am so thankful that He is never far from us.
Thank you for praying and believing with us.