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Entered By: Paula
Entry Date: 2013-10-13 19:32:09
Subject: In continuation

Last week I wrote a little bit about what life is here.  I want to write more.  Not because I want you to praise us, honestly we know most days that we fall way below the mark, but because I have wanted to tell the story and I haven't.  I haven't, as I stated before, out of fear.  I read so many words about people not painting the whole picture, or sharing story out of context of life, or sharing story and not being respectful of the participants, and I just stop.  I don't want to offend, I don't want to paint a half truth (we ae messy), I don't want to expose my children, and quite honestly I have enough people even here in my own town that don't like me.  So I haven't.  But I want to.  I want to be open and honest about child abuse, missionaries, parent wounds, raising kids, our struggles,our lives, our hearts.

Only God can heal a heart.  I find myself saying that many times a day.  I say it to myself about myself and about the children I live with.  Only God can change a heart.  So what does that mean when the heart is a child's and they don't possess the know how to receive that healing?  That wording isn't right, I don't know how to say it.  I mean, what does it mean when you are watching a child destroy everything that God is giving them because of that broken, abused heart?  I mean, what does God healing a broken heart look like in a young girl that is just shattered?  I thought it meant that if  I/we just gave unconditional love for a prescribed time then that broken heart would start on a mending road and things would get easier.  It hasn't.  I thought that it meant that if we prayed the prayers  when the child was young and then revisited the issues at puberty then we wouldn't see the ravages of sexual abuse causing life shattering decisions.  It hasn't.  I thought that it meant that since I had received so much healing and seen so much life come out of my abuses and hurts that I/we would be equipped and there wouldn't be dark days; days that feel like the tent of abuse is zipping you up inside.  I thought I had experienced more healing myself.  I had but there is more. 

And so I find that as I struggle desperately with some of the children's issues I have my own, again.  My own deficiencies and my own lacks and my own holes in my own heart.  Man.  Wanted that to be over.  Where did I get the idea that it would be on this earth?  I am not hopeless, I hope I don't sound that way.  I am full of hope, full of belief that the One True God is the healer of all wounds and the Waymaker for those of us who need to know the way.  I prayed it when I led a church nursery and I pray it now.........God, help me to lead such a great people.  Like Solomon led with wisdom, Lord give me wisdom. Lord show me the way for these lives that have been so attacked.  Lord heal my heart of the hurts and forgive me for the bad choices I make while living in those places of hurt. 

That is my prayer for these lives here.  That the hurts won't dicate their choices-their actions.  Unfortunately I see that they do daily.  I have read so many books looking for the way to instruct, pray, and teach children how to come out of abuse.  I have lots of tidbits but not a lot of concrete.  Some things we know because of our lives, our testimonies.  Somethings we know because of the incredible people that God has put in our lives along our road of healing.  But right now some issues have me stumped and that makes my heart heavy for the little lives.  I want them to experience freedom I don't want to wound them more.  I want them to know unconditional, beautiful love and some days I question whether I have it for them.  I want them to walk in beauty, belonging, worth, value, sense of being, creativity, deep places. I want all the things of their identity that have been stolen to be restored.  And I want it all now.  Still so perfectionist I am.  So more grace is needed.  More time in the garden.  The quantity of I's in this paragraph scares me. 

His love is so restorative.  His grace is so full of life and freedom.  I pray that as I daily discover more of Him, that each of the lives in our care will also.  I pray that we will be quick to say I am sorry, forgive, treat each other with the honor of one created,  and live His Word. 


Replies to this message
re: In continuation  by Mrs. Kellie on Monday October 14, 2013
     re: In continuation  by Paula on Monday October 14, 2013

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